Significant Others: Girlfriends & Boyfriends / Question
Published: May 9, 2002
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I had a boyfriend for three years. The relationship was abusive. He broke up with me about three months ago. We have since become friends. He has many problems and is causing me to have many as problems as well. Just a few days ago, I found out he had been cheating on me for the last four months of our relationship. He has never told me about it, but I have since heard from many people that it is true. Should I bring this issue up with him?
Signed: Abusive Boyfriend Was Cheating
Dear Abusive Boyfriend Was Cheating,
Your best bet would be to ignore the cheating, as the first step to moving on from this relationship. We know you may be sad to hear this, but a true friend would never abuse you or cheat on you in the first place. Given his state of emotional instability, you could put yourself in jeopardy by confronting him. It is important that you try to move away from a friendship like this. It doesn't sound like you have yet if he is still able to cause you problems. Listen, there is nothing wrong or disloyal about ending a relationship or friendship if that person hurts you or causes you problems. Doing so would simply be a sign that you know how to take good care of yourself.
It's not an easy situation and TeenHealthFX recognizes that. You spent three years in an abusive relationship with this person and continue to have contact with him even though it is causing you problems. TeenHealthFX feels that it may be helpful if you were to seek some counseling because it may be easier to sort things out if you had the support from an objective person who is trained at being a good listener. You have to understand that no one has the right to hurt you even if they claim they love you. Partners who abuse usually do so because they have a need to control their partner. Sometimes this happens through violence but more often the partner is emotionally abusive. Some abusive relationships involve vicious cycles where the abuse occurs, there is a period of remorse with promises of change but eventually the abuse does occur again. The bottom line is, even if the relationship is over, the effects of abuse can last. Victims are often left feeling bad about themselves or blaming themselves for the way things happened in the relationship. If you talk to a counselor they can help you heal from the abuse you went through and help you identify the qualities about a person that makes them abusive. Until you can do this, your future relationships could be unhealthy and you may be victimized again.
Remember you are a person who is worthy of another person's love and respect. You should never have to pay a price for it. Your ex-boyfriend may have problems but that does not entitle him to hurt you or cause you problems in your life.
If you would like help finding a therapist you could call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888.247.1400. Or you can call Overlook Hospital's Domestic Violence Program (908) 522-5655. This program is free, confidential and works with victims of dating violence as well as marital abuse. Also, there is a program in Morris County called Jersey Battered Women's Services. They have a program on teen dating violence. You may want to give them a call on their 24-hour hotline at (973) 267-4763.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
A national study of women ages 15-44 found that women were almost twice as likely to receive contraceptive services rather than STD services.
