Parents & Family / Question
Published: April 22, 2003
Dear TeenHealthFX,
My mother died of cancer last year and my father is really pushing me hard to be exactly like her. I had to quit baseball and soccer because my father wants me to be "lady like" and I have to learn to play the flute and pianoforte, I am really sick of it. I know that he is really hurting, but he is hurting my essence with this whole "lady like" phase. My older sister didn't have to quit soccer and neither did my brother. I am not allowed to watch cartoons anymore on Saturdays and my weekends are filled up with homework, instrument lessons and now language lessons. He wants me to learn all the languages that mom knew. He wants me to be her so bad. How do I tell him no without hurting him?
Signed: Tomboy In A Dress - Mother Died & Father Wants Me To Be Like Her
Dear Tomboy In A Dress - Mother Died & Father Wants Me To Be Like Her,
TeenHealthFX is sorry to hear about your mother's death. This sounds like a difficult situation for you - not only are you still dealing with the death of your mother, but you feel your father is pressuring you to be like her. It is obvious that you care about your father and do not want to hurt his feelings yet you want to be your own person.
It is very hard to lose a parent and then to deal with these other expectations. One of the best things you can do is to talk to your father about this situation. Talk to him at a quiet time of the day when you are both calm. It may be helpful to have another adult (like an aunt or another family member who knows you and your father) help you out. You may want to start by showing your father your question and our answer. Sit down with him and let him know that while you loved your mother, you are a totally different person with different likes and dislikes. Tell him that you hope that pictures, videos, memories, and certain family activities will help you to stay close to her, but that you have begun to get upset that you have to give up the activities that you enjoyed and it is making you stressed and resentful. Let your dad know that you love him and loved your mother but that you are your own person with your own identity.
It may also be helpful for both of you to seek out services that may help you deal with her death. There are many services available for both adults and teens through local hospitals, hospice, and the American Cancer Society to assist with families who lost someone. Ask your father if he would help you find a program or counselor who specializes in grief issues.
Lastly, you may find it interesting to read "Hurting Inside-Father Died" for some more information on the healing process. Please talk to your father soon, so you can move forward to be able to enjoy your father's company without feeling the stress to become your mother's replacement.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
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