More Than Friends Or Just Friends / Question
Published: December 4, 2003
Dear TeenHealthFX,
As one other girl was confused about more than friends or not, I am too. There is this guy who I am like madly in love with. He lives close by me and we used to spend a lot of time together. When we were first going out, it was fine and everything, but I wanted to go out with him but then I didn't because my friends would always make fun of him because of how he looked because he's not the hottest thing, and he's not exactly fit. So, the people around me would always make fun of his appearance, never giving him a change about the inside. Well, I did. and I went out with him for 6 months, then after I dumped him because I didn't want to go out with him, I wanted to try someone new, and I was kinda ashamed of him sorry to say. :-( but after, he told me he liked some girl and went to a dance with her. I was very upset because I still wasn't over him. After he got over her, he liked me again. And I still liked him. But we never really announced that we were boyfriend and girlfriend because we just acted like we were and we knew that we didn't need the title to be together. Just recently, he started to like another girl at his work. I got extremely envious, which I know I shouldn't have. And he has been lying to me a lot, and I keep calling him on it. We just got in a big fight about how he lies to me and how I don't appreciate it. He says he lies to get out of problems and to make conversation. I don't know whether or not I should go out with him, because one: he likes another girl... two: he won't tell me when he does like a girl, I have to bug him and guess... three: I feel kind of betrayed in a way... four: I don't know if I can still believe him like the way I did before... and five: me and him always tease each other about things... but sometimes he just goes BEYOND teasing- he will make me feel HORRIBLE! and he always thinks HE'S right- and he just thinks he has complete power over me sometimes and that he can treat me however he wants and say whatever he wants without me getting upset. I still love him and all.. he's my best friend- but my friends and family make fun of him because I tell them things about him acting mean towards me... or they tease me about his appearance.... I don't know what to do-should I care and listen to what they are saying- or not. and just do my own thing, while still keeping in mind why I won't go out with him.
Signed: More Than Friends?
Dear More Than Friends?,
It sounds like there is a whole lot going on here. Although there seem to be many different elements to this situation, TeenHealthFX believes there are a few really core issues that you may want to focus on.
Healthy, successful relationships -- even intimate ones that go beyond the boundaries of friendship -- are based on the same building blocks. Among the most important are trust and mutual respect. You need to be able to be honest with the people in your life. If there is ever a time where you feel that you cannot tell them the truth, for fear that they will be mad or will not understand, then they are not true friends. When you look at the person you have written about here, do you feel that they respect you? Trust you? How about you - do you respect and trust them?
Another important part of a satisfying relationship is having the ability to enjoy spending time together. When you two are together how do you feel? Are you happy? Do you laugh? Share important interests, thoughts and hopes? Have fun? Confide in one another? Pay close attention to the answers to these kinds of questions. If something inside tells you "no" to many of them, you may want to take a step back and distance yourself a little so you can decide whether or not you want to go forward together or apart.
Remember, as you grow and mature, your relationships may change and people may go in and out of your life. Pay close attention to the different types of relationships you have had - the way the people in your life treat you, what sort of things you can talk about, and the things you like to do. Soon you will see what qualities in a person are most important to you. Whatever it is that you value most, make sure that your needs as well as your friends are being met. If you are feeling neglected or mistreated by someone you are involved with then you need to look more closely at this relationship. Relationships should bring you joy not misery. Find out what you want, and try not to be overtaken by those around you who are not yet mature enough to commit to a true friendship. Read our answer to What Is A Good Friend - although you are talking about a romantic relationship, most rules of good friendship hold true for dating.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
Compared with other age groups, teens have the lowest rate of seat belt use, and male high school students are more likely than female students to rarely or never wear seat belts.
