TeenHealthFX - Answers - My Friend's Stealing My Things

Concerned About A Friend / Concerned About A Friend's Influence On Me / Question
Published: January 29, 2000

Dear TeenHealthFX,

The other day my friend and I were discussing about how things of ours were stolen and realized that we are sure the only person who had the opportunity to take them was our best friend. Through our discussion, we concluded that this has been going on for a very long time. We can't talk to her mother because she would be really offended and hurt by this and probably would not believe it anyway. That also would ruin our friendship with her. I feel bad for her and think she has a serious problem. In the meantime, more and more things are missing. I want to be able to help her in any way that I can and remain anonymous and not hurt anyone. Please, I don't know what else to do. Do you have any suggestions? Think this is a very important issue and a problem that many teens may be having but whose friends do not want to admit to. Thank you.

Signed: My Friend's Stealing My Things

Dear My Friend's Stealing My Things,

There is no easy answer to this question. It seems like she is a really important friend to you and you do not want to hurt her feeling! I can see where you are coming from, but by not doing anything you may be hurting her and your friendship more.

You have already identified two possible ways of handling it: talking to her about it or talking to her parents about it. Unfortunately, you are not very happy or at ease with either of them. However in order to address the problem, you may need to do one of these things. It would be almost impossible to address this issue anonymously. Sometimes in life we have to make decisions that we are not really comfortable doing, but we know it is for the best. You are concerned about a friend who may have a serious problem and this cannot go on forever. Stealing is not right and may get her into real trouble.

Regardless of whether or not you talk to her or her parents about it, you need to try to do it in a non-threatening way. An example of the start of the conversation can be, "I am concerned about you (or your daughter or son) because I think you (he/she) may have a problem with taking other people's things." Be ready to give examples and listen to her (them) too. She may get mad and walk out or she may admit to it. Either way, you have addressed the problem and she knows you are on to her. This is a start. If she does admit to a problem, you may want to give her suggestions on how she can get help like from her parents, school nurse or guidance counselor. If you talk to her/him about it and do not feel comfortable with the response to the situation, you may want to talk to her parents or your parents about it.

A couple things to remember is that:

you are not responsible for your friend's actions or behaviors and you can only try to help.
you may be wrong so try to hear her side of the story.

Lastly, you mentioned that you think this is common and may be a problem with many teens and their friends. TeenHealthFX and other most specialists believe that stealing is not the norm for most teens. In fact, most teens believe it is wrong and do not participate in this activity.

Signed: TeenHealthFX