Sexual Readiness? / Question
Published: November 5, 2002
Dear TeenHealthFX,
This may seem horrible but it is how I feel. My boyfriend and I have been going out for 11 months now and have known each other for 7 years, almost 8. I asked him if he wanted to have sex about a month ago--and only because I have so much love for him and he is the only one I can picture myself giving my virginity to, anyone else would be a mistake and I would always regret it. Well he said no, and it really upset me. Now it's all I can think about and all I want to do. Which I think is because I get frustrated when I can't have what I want. Well he gives me new excuses why not everyday and I feel horrible for even continuing to ask. I just don't know what to do and I'm not even sure what I'm asking. I really just need advise on how to help me relax about this issue. Please tell me you can help!
Signed: Boyfriend Said No To Sex
Dear Boyfriend Said No To Sex,
TeenHealthFX wants you to know that you are not "horrible" for feeling like you want to have sex with your boyfriend. Feelings just happen; whether we want them or not; good or bad, we just feel them. How we act on our feelings is what is important.
It sounds that the problem isn't really your boyfriend's negative answer to your offer of having sex, but instead, his rejection. You claim to be frustrated because you did not get what you asked for and now are obsessed with getting it (since you mention it's all you can think about and ask him everyday). TeenHealthFX understands that rejection hurts, especially when it comes from someone we deeply care about. But we recommend thinking about it from your boyfriend's point of view for just a moment. Imagine how difficult it was to reject your offer, knowing it would hurt your feelings and even possibly become a sore point in your relationship.
Regardless of this difficulty or even his reasoning, the bottom line is that his answer was no, and you need to respect his decision. His decision to not have sex is his own and does not deserve to be second-guessed or changed to soothe your pride. To take your mind off of sex, try to concentrate on other aspects of your relationship like activities you enjoy doing together and spending time with friends and family.
On the positive side, TeenHealthFX thinks that it's great you're in a relationship that has enough honesty and trust, that you were able to make such as intimate offer and he felt secure enough to refuse it. Not many people can say that about their significant relationships.
TeenHealthFX notices that you did not mention your age, but is certain that the time will come when you do have your first sexual experience, whether with your current boyfriend lets you know he is ready or it's in another relationship. We can only recommend that you follow our safer sex guidelines and protect yourself and your partner.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
The motor vehicle death rate for male drivers and passengers ages 16-19 is more than one and half times that of their female counterparts.
