TeenHealthFX - Answers - My Boyfriend Wants A Baby, But I'm Not Ready

Pregnancy: Questions/Concerns About Becoming A Parent / Question
Published: March 29, 2006

Dear TeenHealthFX,

My Boyfriend really wants a BaBy!! Im 17 years old and his 19 yrs old we've been dating for 3 months but before we started dating he was my BESTFRIEND for 4years and I know he would be there for me, but here's the problem. Im a junior in a private boarding school and Jan 5th of 07 Im going to France with my school for 2 months. If I have the baby now I would miss out on the opportunity to go to france or I would go and be to worried about the baby and would me able to enjoy my stay at France. I told him we should wait til I get back from France. He suggested for before I leave to france, but I dont want a big belly at graduation i graduate june 3rd of 2007. I think my way is better how do I convince him? At the same time show him I love him. I think it'll be better my way too cuz then I'll be 18 and he'll be 20. HELPPPP!!! He really wants the baby!

Signed: My Boyfriend Wants A Baby, But I'm Not Ready

Dear My Boyfriend Wants A Baby, But I'm Not Ready,

TeenHealthFX hears how difficult this situation is for you – on one hand it sounds like you are clear that you are not ready to have a baby, but on the other hand, you do not want your boyfriend to feel hurt or rejected in any way by this. But here are some things for you to think about on your own, as well as to discuss with you boyfriend:

If you haven’t done so already, FX thinks that it is very important for you to find out from your boyfriend the reason that it is so important for him to have a baby with you right away. Being 17 and 19 years old, your biological clocks are not exactly starting to tick in terms of needing to rush into this. While FX does not know what your boyfriend’s situation is in terms of school or work, it is certainly clear that this is not the best time for you to have a baby in terms of your schooling plans. It is possible that your boyfriend is worried about you going away to France, or perhaps just scared about losing you in general. He may think that having a baby would be a way to solidify the relationship and ensure that the two of you stay together. If this is the case, the two of you really need to discuss what is making him feel insecure about the commitment between the two of you. Especially since having a baby is not the solution to this kind of problem – a baby often ends up a temporary solution to a greater and more long-term underlying issue. In addition, having a baby under such circumstances can bring on new challenges and problems that can put additional strains on the relationship.

If after speaking with your boyfriend you feel that his desire to have a baby simply comes from loving you and wanting to have a family with you – it is important to convey to him that if he truly loves you he needs to respect that you are not ready. FX feels very strongly that couples should both be ready and in agreement when deciding on bringing a baby into the world. In addition, FX also thinks that both people in an adult relationship have certain needs that need to be respected. That said, your needs and wants regarding finishing school, traveling to France, and not be pregnant at your graduation are important and should not have to be compromised because your boyfriend wants a baby. Try and explain to your boyfriend that this is how you feel, that these feelings have nothing to do with your love for him, and that it is important to you that he be respectful of your feelings about this.

It is certainly possible that your boyfriend may have trouble really hearing you and might keep pushing the idea of having a baby on you – or it may be difficult for him to understand that your wanting to put off starting a family in order to finish school has nothing to do with how much you love him. If that is the case, then FX thinks it is important for you to look at this as a serious issue in the relationship that needs to be addressed – whether you feel the relationship may not be right for you, or whether you want to consider counseling for your boyfriend or for the two of you together.

In addition, here are some following questions for you and your boyfriend to think about in terms of baby readiness:

Do we have the finances available to raise a child – for example, food, clothing, diapers, and money to put away for our child’s future?
Do we have health benefits for the family – a mother needs prenatal care, a baby certainly needs good health care, and a growing child needs healthy parents!
Do our jobs or schooling require us to work long hours?
Will having a child make it difficult for either of us to advance in school or in our careers at this point in time that may cause career or financial difficulties in the future?
Do we have childcare available for a baby?
Are we in an adequate living space that is conducive to raising a child?
Are we both feeling equally ready for a child or is either one of us feeling at all pressured into the situation?
Are we in a committed and stable relationship? What kind of future do we see for ourselves – are we planning on staying together? Will we get married? Live together?
By having a baby will we be in a similar situation as many of your friends, or will we be in a different phase of your life than our friends? It can be difficult seeing friends going out and having freedoms that you will no longer have.
Are there any medical concerns for the mother in terms of carrying and delivering a child?
Does either parent smoke, drink a lot or use drugs?
Do we each function well when there are frequent disruptions to your sleep?
Do we agree on parenting styles?
Have we planned on how we will handle the childcare responsibilities?
Are we both willing to sacrifice your time, money and independence – put our energies into someone besides ourselves?
Do we have a good support system?
Does either of us feel that having a child will fix a problematic relationship with our significant other?
Does either of us feel that having a child will make up for a problematic relationship with one of our parents?
Does either of us feel that having a child will help alleviate any personal feelings of loneliness and sadness?
Are we both prepared to deal with the possibility of our child having any developmental delays or genetic defects?

In the best-case scenario, pregnancy and parenthood is something that both partners will be equally ready for and will feel joyful about. You have the right to decide when this big step will feel right for you – and to hold firm on your belief. Just remember that no matter what it is – babies, sex, moving in with a significant other, or whatever else – you are under no obligation to do something that does not feel right or comfortable to you just because it is what somebody else wants.

Signed: TeenHealthFX