Sexuality & Sexual Health: Miscellaneous / Question
Published: November 24, 2008
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I am 18 years old and have been dating my boyfriend (also 18) for six months. Two months ago, he expressed an intrest in sex, and I asked him to wait until I could talk to my doctor. He was perfectly okay with that and I went onto the pill. Since then we have had sex several times and have used a condom every time except for once. I was a virgin and he had only had sex once before. Now, my question: two or three times, the sex has gone perfectly, but every other time I'll start crying in the middle of it. He always stops and comforts me afterwards and doesn't try again until I tell him that I'm ready. Is the crying normal? What can I do about it?
Signed: Is Crying During Sex Normal?
Dear Is Crying During Sex Normal?,
Having sex (especially for the first time) is a very emotional experience – so it is certainly normal for a certain amount of feelings to come up. What you need to think about is whether the crying is just feeling too intense, too difficult to handle, or is continuing for too long a period of time. If you are worried about your reaction, or if you continue to cry and have very intense emotional reactions to having sex, FX suggests you speak with your boyfriend and a trusted adult about your concerns, as well as to consider the following possibilities as to why you are crying so much:
It sounds like you were ready for sex in terms of being responsible and practicing safer sex methods by using the pill to protect yourself from unwanted pregnancy and condoms to protect yourself from the transmission of STIs. However, FX is unclear as to whether or not you were feeling emotionally ready to take this step. You may love your boyfriend, feel very committed to him, and see him as a comforting, caring person – but that doesn’t mean that you as an individual are necessarily in the same place he is in when it comes to sex. If you find you continue to cry during sex, FX suggests that you re-evaluate your emotional readiness to be sexually active.
FX also wonders if losing your virginity has some specific meaning to you that is connected to your crying. Like if the experience of losing your virginity was different than you thought it would be, or you are having any regrets about when or with whom you lost your virginity. If this is the case, FX suggests that you discuss your thoughts and feelings with your boyfriend and a trusted adult.
Finally, it is important to remember that having sex with someone is an extremely intimate act of physical and emotional closeness. Sometimes when a person has not felt emotionally close with people earlier in his/her life (particularly with their caregivers), that person can experience feelings of sadness in future experiences when they are being intimate with others (such as when having sex). If being sexually active is a new experience for you in terms of the emotional closeness that accompanies this physical act, and you are finding that there is sadness or difficulty in dealing with being so emotionally close with another person, FX suggests that you speak with a trusted adult in your life or with a private therapist. Sometimes our past relationships with parents, siblings, or significant others can effect how we feel about experiences in our current relationships and those past relationships need to be addressed in some way so we can move on in a healthy way with our current ones.
If you live in northern
Signed: TeenHealthFX
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