Sexuality: Gay, Straight & Bisexual / Question
Published: January 19, 2009
Dear TeenHealthFX,
im scared that I will be disowned from my family for being gay i ask my mother what if questions and she never answers. My grandmother threatned if i was gay she would beat the crap out of me what should i do?
Signed: Afraid I Will Be Disowned Because I'm Gay
Dear Afraid I Will Be Disowned Because I'm Gay,
TeenHealthFX can understand the dilemma that you are in. It can feel very painful to hide who you really are from the people closest to you – to feel like you have to lead a secret life or like you are not loved for who you truly are. On the other hand there are people out there who will be hostile and hurtful, even to their own family members, around issues of sexual orientation. If you are a minor and living with very intolerant family members who can make your daily life horrible for you if they were to find out, it might be better to keep certain things to yourself. It really is a tough choice.
As for what to do, FX thinks this is something that only you can decide since you are the only one who has to live your life and since you are the only one who knows what will feel best for you in the end. To make your decision, FX recommends that you start out by seriously thinking about how your family would really react. Would your grandma really become hostile towards you, or given her love for you as her grandson/granddaughter, would she come to accept it in time? Would your mother disown you from the family, or would she also come to accept your being gay because you are her child and she doesn’t want to damage her relationship with you? Would you have any family members who you feel you could count on to defend you and back you up with other family members who might be angry, hurtful, or critical of your sexual orientation? Do you have anyone in your life right now that knows about your sexual orientation and is there for you in a supportive, non-judgmental way? What would be more difficult and hurtful to you at this point in your life – keeping this a secret or dealing with a possible negative reaction from your family?
You basically have three choices here:
1) Keep your sexual orientation a secret now and forever.
2) Keep your sexual orientation a secret now, and tell your family once you are out of the house and do not have to deal with any negative reactions in your day to day life.
3) Tell your family now.
You have to think about who your family members really are in terms of their personal values and beliefs, think about what sources of support you do have, and weigh how it feels to you to keep who you are a secret versus how it feels to you to deal with potential hostility with your family. Only you can know what feels right for you after you think about these questions and issues.
FX does think that it would be helpful for you to talk to someone privately who can give you support and guidance with this. You could speak to a school counselor or private therapist. If your school has any organization for people who are gay and bisexual, you might consider contacting the faculty advisor of that group or one of the members. In addition you could also contact one of the hotlines listed below. Many teens have been (and currently are) in your situation of feeling stressed and torn about how to deal with their sexual orientation and their families. So it would be good to have support and guidance from people who can relate to what you are going through.
If you live in northern
- Gay and Lesbian National Hotline, 1-888-THE-GLNH (366-8288), 24hours, 7 days a week
- Gays and Lesbian Teens, 1-800-850-8078, 24 hours, 7days a week. A crisis hotline for gay, lesbian and questioning youth, ages 25 and younger.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
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