Sexual Readiness? / Question
Published: September 29, 2009
Dear TeenHealthFX,
All right, well I'm 16 and I'm in my first same sex relationship. My girlfriend and I first started out as friends and eventually fell for each other. We've only been dating for a month but I'm extremely happy with her. We've made out a few times, but I'm always pulling away because I'm afraid of her pulling away [weird I know] but when she was younger she was sexually abused and I'm afraid of...pushing her away, of coming across as a someone solely interested in sex. She doesn't feel comfortable talk about sex, and for that matter, neither do me. I'd love to be able to be intimate with her without all of these little worries in my head, but I'm not sure how. She usually pulls me back when I pull away and she assures me that I'm not being too "greedy." I'd love to take things to the "next level" but I'm not sure how to do that. I doubt she'd feel comfortable doing anything other than making out because of her past but I really don't know how to approach her on this subject silence she always just refuses to talk about her past. I'm very confused...have any advice?
Signed: I'm Afraid of Her Pulling Away
Dear I'm Afraid of Her Pulling Away,
Some of the major hurdles victims of sexual abuse have to overcome have to do with trust and intimacy. Victims of sexual abuse can and do recover from the sexual trauma and are able to form close long lasting relationships. It takes time and help. It seems quite possible that your girlfriend may not have had the opportunity to go through the therapeutic process when she was younger and has been dealing with trauma on her own for years. She may even have had a bad experience with therapy and gave up on the idea.
One of the most important factors when someone is in a relationship with someone who has been abused is communication. It is important for the abused partner to feel some control when it comes to sexual activity. Letting their partner know what they are comfortable with and what makes them uncomfortable makes the process much easier for them. Since your girlfriend is not able to have this dialogue with you it is a good possibility that she is still struggling to come to terms with the trauma in some way. This makes it hard for you because without being able to talk about the relationship you are afraid of hurting or losing her.
The best thing you can do is be supportive of your girlfriend and encourage her seek help. As much as you may want to you cannot fix it. Let her know that you are concerned she is hurting and she should not have to deal with this alone. There are many therapists out there and support groups that specialize in dealing with victims of sexual trauma. You may be worried how your girlfriend would perceive this suggestion and that is understandable. It is important that she realize that you are not criticizing her but that it is done out of love and concern for her well being. Here is an excellent website to learn more about sexual trauma is RAINN Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. RAINN can also help you find a local counseling center.
You mentioned that at 16 this was your first same sex relationship. Relationships at this age can be very intense and overwhelming at times no matter what your sexual orientation. Unfortunately the gay population continues to suffer from significant discrimination which can have an impact self esteem especially for a young person. One thing that makes the process easier is the amount of support a person feels especially from their family and loved ones. If you would like to learn more about issues specific to lesbian and bisexual youth a good website is YouthResource. You can also check out our TeenHealthFX links section on the homepage
Signed: TeenHealthFX
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