TeenHealthFX - Answers - Boyfriend Says He'll Wait Until I'm Ready, But I Think It Really Botheres Him

Sexual Readiness? / Question
Published: November 2, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I and my boyfriend have been together for 8 months now, and have yet to become intimate. All we ever do is kiss and occasionally fondle each other. Although he has already been sexually active I have not, and he assured me that he respects my wishes to wait until marriage. But I can tell that it does bother him that we are not intimate, while he does not lay any pressure on me, I still would like to know what it is that we could do to explore each other intimately without taking it too far, and keep each other happy. Thank You -Loving Girlfriend

Signed: Boyfriend Says He'll Wait Until I'm Ready, But I Think It Really Botheres Him

Dear Boyfriend Says He'll Wait Until I'm Ready, But I Think It Really Botheres Him,

TeenHealthFX would like to start by saying that we are incredibly proud of you for standing up for your beliefs about sex. It is easy for teens to feel pressured into having sex before they are truly ready for so many reasons – so we hope you feel good about yourself and your ability to stand up for what feels right for you. In addition, we are also very proud of your boyfriend. The fact that he is respecting your decision to wait by listening to your request and not trying to pressure you into sex is very admirable. We hope he feels good about himself, as well, for being able to do that – and we hope that it is a quality you value in him.

FX would also like to state that it is very possible that your boyfriend would rather be sexually active with you than not in terms of his own personal preference. But a relationship is about two people – his personal preference is not the only consideration here. Obviously his respect for you and desire to do what feels right and important to you outweighs how much it bothers him not to be having sex. FX does not want you to feel guilty or badly about this, but rather focus on the positive of it that you are dating someone who is respectful in how he treats you and who obviously cares about you very much. Instead of focusing on feeling guilty, think about ways you could show your appreciation that have nothing to do with sex: make dinner for him, write him a poem, mail him a card telling him how much you care about him, or make or buy him a small gift of appreciation. There are lots of ways you could show him how much you care about him and appreciate him that have nothing to do with sex.

As far as ways to explore each other intimately that do not involve sex, there are certainly ways to do this. FX would like you start by thinking about what you are truly ready for. Physically intimacy goes from kissing to sexual intercourse, and there are a lot of steps in between. Don’t focus on feeling guilty or what you feel you may owe him, but think about what your limits are at this point in your life and respect those limits. We have listed some ways of involving touch that does not involve vaginal, anal or oral sex below. Some acts on the list below are certainly more intimate than others. So, again, think about what you are comfortable with.

· Kissing

· Giving each other massages

· Fondling or body rubbing

· Mutual masturbation

· Manual stimulation of one another (Using your hands to stimulate the other’s genitals)

Finally, always feel free to bring up your concerns with your significant other. It is fine for you to tell him that you appreciate that he is respecting your limits on being sexual activity, but that you are worried about how much he is bothered by not having sex right now in the relationship. It might be helpful for you to be reassured by him that your wishes are more important to him than his own sexual needs at this point. It might also be helpful for you to talk about what would feel loving and caring to him that you could do that do not have to do with sex or that have to do with some more comfortable physical exploring.

Signed: TeenHealthFX