I'm Not Sure if This is Abuse

Published: June 23, 2017
Dear TeenHealthFX,

I have a question about something that happened recently. I'm 16 and my boyfriend is 19. My parents said it's okay for us to date. I've known him for a year. We started dating in March. Everything was perfect until I screwed up. I went to a party with my best friend and we were drinking and playing stupid games. I'm not even sure what the rules were but it was like truth or dare but you didn't get to pick. Anyway, they were doing crazy things like stripping and the ice challenge. I was told that I had to kiss Josh if I wanted to stay in the game. To make a long story short, I did it. I don't know why. I didn't even care about the game. I guess I was just tired of my friends calling me a goodie goodie. My boyfriend picked me up the next morning and we were going to hang out but I felt guilty so I told him. He was quiet at first but then he grabbed my arm and started yelling about how I was a slut and he hit me. It hurt but I was more shocked. The thing is, it really freaked me out. He left for a while and then came and took me home. The next day he called and acted like the party never happened. So it's been like three weeks and we are both acting like nothing's changed except he tells me I can't go to parties without him which is fair I guess. I've only been invited to one since and we didn't go. Maybe I'm just not used to this stuff but I'm still shocked that he did that. He didn't say he was sorry but he wouldn't have done it if I hadn't cheated. And I know victims of abuse blame themselves but this is actually my fault, right? And don't abusers apologize? So if I don't cheat or anything then he won't hit me again. Am I supposed to talk to him about it? I was happy he didn't dump me but now I feel like I'm always waiting for something to go wrong.

Signed: I'm Not Sure if This is Abuse

Dear I'm Not Sure if This is Abuse,

TeenHelathFX can understand that you would feel shocked and uneasy by what happened with your boyfriend. Having a significant other yell at you and hit you is a scary thing to experience. Because of how scary and upsetting such an experience can be, there are many people who don’t reach out for help. So FX wants to commend you for reaching out for help with this situation.

FX would like to start by clarifying what an abusive dating relationship looks like. TeensHealth has a very informative article on Abusive Relationships that you can take a look at. They offer the following information about abusive relationships: 

What Is Abuse?

Abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. Physical abuse means any form of violence, such as hitting, punching, pulling hair, and kicking. Abuse can happen in both dating relationships and friendships.

Emotional abuse (stuff like teasing, bullying, and humiliating others) can be difficult to recognize because it doesn't leave any visible scars. Threats, intimidation, putdowns, and betrayal are all harmful forms of emotional abuse that can really hurt — not just during the time it's happening, but long afterward, too.

Sexual abuse can happen to anyone, guy or girl. It's never right to be forced into any type of sexual experience that you don't want.

They also outline important warning signs of an abusive relationship:

Important warning signs that you may be involved in an abusive relationship include when someone:

  • harms you physically in any way, including slapping, pushing, grabbing, shaking, smacking, kicking, and punching
  • tries to control different aspects of your life, such as how you dress, who you hang out with, and what you say
  • frequently humiliates you or makes you feel unworthy (for example, if a partner puts you down but tells you that he or she loves you)
  • threatens to harm you, or self-harm, if you leave the relationship
  • twists the truth to make you feel you are to blame for your partner's actions
  • demands to know where you are at all times
  • constantly becomes jealous or angry when you want to spend time with your friends 

 

FX considers both your boyfriend’s physical reaction (hitting), and general tendency to control your actions (stopping you from socializing with peers) signs of an abusive relationship. It is important to recognize that while it is normal for couples to have disagreements, any kind of hitting or abusive behavior is not justified.

Even though your boyfriend apologized to you, further physical abuse has not since occurred, and you two seem to have forgotten about the instance overall, the abuse is not over. Rather, this is a stage in the abusive cycle: first, abuse occurs, secondly, the abuser apologizes (sometimes even by bringing a gift), thirdly, the abuse is not talked about/nothing happens for a while, until finally, the abuse occurs again. Until your boyfriend receives help from a mental health professional, this cycle will continue. Additionally, even if/when your boyfriend begins therapy, addressing these issues will take time.

Thus, TeenHealthFX suggests the following: 

  • Reach out to a trusted adult such as a parent, teacher, coach or school counselor. They can recommend a private therapist who can guide you on how to effectively deal with any and all aspects of your current relationship. Working with a therapist can severely decrease feelings of loneliness, and will allow you to express your concerns in a confidential environment. Seeking help from a professional is not a sign of weakness, but rather, strength.
  • Your boyfriend needs space to work on these issues, and you need to ensure your own safety. Thus, it is time to remove yourself from you current relationship. Discuss strategies with your trusted adult of choice and/or local mental health professional, on how to end the relationship as peacefully and safely as possible. Although it may seem difficult to do so, FX is confident that this is a necessary action for both your mental health and physical well-being.  

 

Finally, it is critical to recognize that your boyfriend’s abusive actions are entirely out of your control. People who abuse others do so because of serious issues within themselves. Thus, there is absolutely nothing you can do (i.e., not cheat) to prevent your boyfriend from ever abusing you again. This is why the best thing you can do for your safety and well-being is remove yourself from the relationship immediately. 

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

You can also visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline: Dating Abuse Resource for Teens. Experienced, non-judgmental mental health professionals are available 24/7 to provide advice on current and/or future relationships. 

Signed: TeenHealthFX

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