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Trying to Have My First Time, But it Hurts a Lot

Published: August 29, 2017
Dear TeenHealthFX,
Hi, I am a 19 y/old girl,trying to have my first time. The problem is that it hurts a lot when he tries to enter me. It works for a little bit, but then it feels like he is physicaly unable to go deeper, like thr muscles won't let him pass, even when I bite away the pain and we push really hard. Eventually it hurts way too much and we stop. I've read about thicker hymens, but I am able to insert tampons or fingers without a problem. I've read about using lube, but is it possible it's more than just a lubrication problem? (And yes, I 100% want this and he is not forcing me. I am not stressed/scared/unsure about my first time. I am afraid he will think I don't want to, or feel like he is pressuring me.)
Signed: Trying to Have My First Time, But it Hurts a Lot

Dear Trying to Have My First Time, But it Hurts a Lot,

You may feel 100% certain that you want to have sex for the time. You may also not be feeling pressured in any way by your partner. However, that doesn’t mean that there is not some part of you that is not feeling nervous about it. As an example, a person may feel 100% certain about going to college, yet still feel a little nervous on the drive up to school and those first few days on campus. Sometimes our anxiety is powerful enough that we should consider it as some kind of warning sign that something is not right. But mild anxiety in various situations can be perfectly normal and understandable.

Plus, it sounds like you are feeling anxious. Because penetration has been a problem so far, it sounds to TeenHealthFX like you are now anxious about why this is happening and that your partner will take it in some negative way. Also a perfectly normal and understandable reaction, but a reaction that can still complicate things further.  

TeenHealthFX recommends that you start by talking to your partner about how you are feeling. Let him know that you are worried he might be taking this in some kind of negative way so you (hopefully) feel some comfort by his reaction. Second, try and take the focus off needing to make this happen because that focus might only be serving to increase your tension and anxiety around it. Finally, whenever you are being physically intimate, take plenty of time to just be with one another before jumping to the penetration part, focusing instead on ways to connect that will help you feel more relaxed.

If none of the above helps, then FX recommends you check in with your doctor to rule out any medical concerns and to get some advice on how to address this particular problem. If you don't have a doctor and live in northern New Jersey, you can call the Adolescent/Young Adult Center for Health at 973-971-5199 for an appointment with an adolescent medicine specialist or contact your local teen health center or Planned Parenthood. A Planned Parenthood health center is a good option if you have concerns about cost or confidentiality issues. You can also contact your insurance company for a list of in-network providers.

If you haven’t done so already, TeenHealthFX would like to encourage you to speak to your doctor about safer sex precautions. Doctors generally recommend that teens and young adults who choose to be sexually active use condoms each and every time they have sex to protect against unwanted pregnancies and the transmission of STDs, as well as a back-up method of birth control such as the pill or birth control shot. Your doctor can make the best recommendations for you and discuss with you how to use properly use birth control to maximize its effectiveness.

FX also suggests that you check out the links in our Resource of the Month: Planned Parenthood Resources on Safer Sex so that you can learn about sexual readiness, how pregnancy happens, pregnancy tests, emergency contraception, birth control, STDs and more. The more educated you are about these topics, the more likely you will make healthy decisions for yourself when it comes to your sexual health.

Signed: TeenHealthFX

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