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My Ex Says She's Pregnant, But I'm Not Sure It Is Mine

Published: February 07, 2017
Dear TeenHealthFX,
So here's my situation. This girl who I use to date moved to Virginia last year. She came back down to visit me this year. We had sex only twice (First time with protection, second time without.) I did not ejaculate neither of the times although I read that she could possibly be impregnated from pre-sperm during the second time, which we were unprotected. Furthermore, she now says she pregnant and that it's been confirmed that on today (February 4th) she is 5 weeks and 3 days, which adds up to 38 days. However, we had sex only 4 weeks ago on the 14th of January, which is only 23 days ago. I do not want to falsely accuse her of anything until I have seeked information from other women. So I'm curious to know if women count days differently or should I acknowledge this to her? ​
Signed: My Ex Says She's Pregnant, But I'm Not Sure It Is Mine

Dear My Ex Says She's Pregnant, But I'm Not Sure It Is Mine,

TeenHealthFX recommends that the first thing you do is find a trusted adult to talk to about this. This is a complicated situation and it is important that you have the support and guidance you need from a trusted adult so that you can approach this situation in a way where you protect yourself, but you are also sensitive to the situation this girl is in. You could talk to a parent, school nurse or school counselor to start with.

In addition to processing this with an adult, you can consider some of the following options:

If you are unsure of whether or not this child is yours, TeenHealthFX suggests that you start by asking your ex-girlfriend if she is absolutely sure the baby is yours or whether she has been sexually active with another person and it is possible someone else might be the father. In talking to her you could present that the dates aren’t matching up for you and that is why you are asking. FX recommends in having this conversation that you approach it in a calm manner and with some tact and compassion as it could be very emotionally difficult for her right now if she is, in fact, unsure who the father is.

Then you might talk with her about whether or not she is planning on having the baby in terms of her ability and desire to be a parent at this point in her life. You could also share with her what you feel ready for and capable of in the event you are the father in terms of what do. If she is unsure of what to do about the pregnancy, it would be helpful for her to speak to a medical professional about her options and what each option entails.

If she plans on having the baby and maintains that you are the father, then FX recommends that you let her know that you will pursue a paternity test to confirm this. Again, this statement does not have to be made in an angry or harsh way – you just need to calmly let her know that this is your plan because you want to be sure the child is yours before you making any emotional and financial commitments to the child.

For more information, please read the American Pregnancy Association article, Paternity Testing. The APA does recommend paternity testing from a laboratory accredited by the AABB. You can also contact the DDC (DNA Diagnostics Center) at 1-800-798-0580 to discuss your options with a paternity professional.

This is also a good lesson to use condoms each and every time you have sex. Even if the person you are with tells you they are on birth control, you don’t know for sure if that is true or if they are taking their birth control as they should (i.e., remembering to take the pill every day). Preventing unwanted pregnancies is definitely something that both partners need to be thinking of.

If you have any questions about this, or any other sexual health issues, please speak to your primary care physician or an adolescent medicine specialist. If you don't have a doctor and live in northern New Jersey, you can call the Adolescent/Young Adult Center for Health at 973-971-5199 for an appointment with an adolescent medicine specialist or contact your local teen health center or Planned Parenthood. You can also contact your insurance company for a list of in-network providers.

Signed: TeenHealthFX

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