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Why Am I Having These Thoughts and Feelings About My Boyfriend?

Published: July 31, 2017
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I have a boyfriend and I'm not ready to have sex yet and don't want to, but we've been together for seven months and now I'm starting to have feelings. Sometimes I'm really disgusted with the idea of sex, sometimes I'm neutral about it, and sometimes I'm really horny and want to touch him, give him oral sex, and make him feel really great. And then sometimes I feel like I want him to do the same to me. Like, I want to know how it feels to receive it, and I want to know how good it feels to give someone that feeling. I didn't tell him or anyone because like I said I don't want to, I'm not ready, and we're 15 so we're probably too young. I've never felt so passionate towards somebody. I'm a little creeped out that I get these feelings especially since I'm 15. Is something wrong with me?
Signed: Why Am I Having These Thoughts and Feelings About My Boyfriend?

Dear Why Am I Having These Thoughts and Feelings About My Boyfriend?,

Absolutely nothing is wrong with you for feeling this way. Having urges or thoughts about sex as a teenager is perfectly normal. And having mixed feelings about it is also totally normal. Think about it – as human beings we generally go from a phase in life where we don’t even think about sex and don’t care about it at all to a place of being sexually ready and sexually active. That change is not a black and white change that happens overnight. It is a slow transition that happens over many years and that can definitely include mixed feelings. So, again, what you are thinking and feeling is perfectly normal.

The main issue here is what you decide to do with those thoughts and feelings. Just because we have an urge to do something, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to do it and we have to follow through on it. Given that you stated that you are not ready to have sex, FX thinks that it is very important for you to stay connected to the fact that you are not ready despite whatever urges you may have. Try and find some ways to deal with these urges when they come up so you don’t act on them and stay away from situations that might make acting on those urges too tempting (like being alone in the house with just you and your boyfriend).

As you get older and get to a point where you are considering becoming sexually active, there are a couple of things to consider. One is making sure that you feel ready to take that step. To help you in figuring this out you can talk to a trusted adult. You can also read articles on sexual readiness by TeenHealthFX and Planned Parenthood.

Once you reach an age where you do feel ready for sex, FX suggests that you check out the links in our Resource of the Month: Planned Parenthood Resources on Safer Sex so that you can learn about sexual readiness, how pregnancy happens, pregnancy tests, emergency contraception, birth control, STDs and more. The more educated you are about these topics, the more likely you will make healthy decisions for yourself when it comes to your sexual health.

Prior to becoming sexually active it is also important to speak to your doctor so you can learn about safer sex precautions that will help to protect you from unwanted pregnancies and the transmission of STDs. If you don't have a doctor and live in northern New Jersey, you can call the Adolescent/Young Adult Center for Health at 973-971-5199 for an appointment with an adolescent medicine specialist or contact your local teen health center or Planned Parenthood. A Planned Parenthood health center is a good option if you have concerns about cost or confidentiality issues. You can also contact your insurance company for a list of in-network providers.

Remember, the resources we listed above are for down the road when you are feeling ready to take that step. But for now, respect that despite whatever urges you may have, that you are simply not ready for sex. This makes perfect sense given you are 15 years old. There is no need to rush when it comes to having sexual relationships with other people, so definitely honor where you are emotionally with it.

Signed: TeenHealthFX

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