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Not Sure About Sex

Published: May 29, 2013
Dear Not Sure About Sex,

My boyfriend wants fo have sex with me, but j do not know what we do. help me From sex i dont know


Dear Not Sure About Sex,

TeenHealthFX isn’t clear from your question if you are saying that your boyfriend wants to have sex but you’re not ready – and you’re not sure how to handle that. Or if you are saying that you are your boyfriend are planning on having sex, but you are not sure how to proceed with this in as safe a way as possible. Since we are not sure, we’ll answer both questions.

 

What To Do If Your Boyfriend Is Ready For Sex, But You’re Not:

If your boyfriend wants to have sex, but you are not ready, then you simply need to tell your boyfriend very clearly that you are not ready for sex right now. There is nothing wrong with a person telling their boyfriend or girlfriend that they are not ready for sex and that they want their decision to be respected. You could say something like, “I know that you are feeling ready for sex, but the fact is that I’m not ready to take that step right now. I understand that might be disappointing for you, but I hope you can respect how I feel and that you know that I do care about you even though I’m not ready for sex.”

If your boyfriend continues to pressure you or tries to manipulate you into having sex by saying things like “You’d do it if you really loved me” or “If you don’t have sex with me I’ll find another girlfriend who will,” then he is not being respectful or caring of you – and that is NOT ok. If you feel he is pressuring you or being manipulative, you could say something like, “I thought I was clear that I’m not ready for sex. If you truly care about me and respect me, then you will stop pressuring me and making comments about it.” And if he continues to be unable to act in a caring, respectful way, FX recommends you consider whether this is the kind of person that you want to be with.

There is a lot to consider when it comes to sexual readiness: taking precautions against the possibility of unwanted pregnancies and the transmission of STDs, what you’ll do if you do transmit an STD or get pregnant, how it will feel emotionally to take that step, how it fits into personal, religious or cultural beliefs, and more. To learn more about determining sexual readiness, read the following:

 

Steps To Take If You And Your Significant Other Decide to Be Sexually Active:

Deciding to become sexually active is a big decision that should not be entered into lightly. Protecting yourself from unwanted pregnancies and transmission of STDs, considering where you are at emotionally, thinking about where having sex fits into your personal, religious and cultural values – there is a lot to consider. That said, if you and your partner are considering becoming sexually active, talk to a trusted adult about it and read the following to make sure you are truly ready to take this step:

If you decide you are ready, consider taking the following steps:

  • Meet with your doctor prior to having sex to discuss the best birth control methods for you. It is generally recommended that sexually active teens use condoms to protect against unwanted pregnancies and the transmission of STDs as well as a back-up method of birth control such as the pill or birth control shot. Your doctor will be able to discuss safer sex with you and make appropriate recommendations for you.
  • Meet with your doctor prior to having sex to discuss whether STD testing would be recommended for you and/or your partner depending on your sexual histories.
  • Discuss your doctor’s recommendations with your partner and make a plan about STD testing to be done and come up with an agreement about the type of birth control that will be used.
  • Make sure you discuss with your partner what you are and are not comfortable with when it comes to having sex.
  • No method of birth control protects you 100% against pregnancy, so discuss with your partner what you would do if pregnancy does occur. If you are not on the same page about how to handle that kind of situation you might want to think again about becoming sexually active with one another.
  • If at any point you have questions or concerns about being sexually active, discuss it with your partner, as well as with a trusted adult.

For more information, you can read the Center for Young Women’s Health webpage on Making Healthy Sexual Decisions.

Keep in mind that if any of the above steps feel uncomfortable, difficult, or out of the question for you or your significant other, than FX would say that is a good sign you are not ready to be sexually active.

If you don't have a doctor and live in northern New Jersey, you can call the Adolescent/Young Adult Center for Health at 973-971-5199 for an appointment with an adolescent medicine specialist or contact your local teen health center or Planned Parenthood. You can also contact your insurance company for a list of in-network providers.

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