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My Girlfriend Is Not Ready For Sex, But I Am - How Do I Handle That?

Published: June 12, 2013
Dear My Girlfriend Is Not Ready For Sex, But I Am - How Do I Handle That?,
hi! so I'm 16 and my girlfriend is 19. we have been dating for 13 months and I really love and care about her. I'm ready and have been ready to have sex for awhile, but she is a virgin, she tells me that she is not emotionally ready to go to that level yet and that she doesn't want that to affect our relationship. I don't want to pressure her , but I am a teenage boy and I have needs. because she's older and more mature that me, I thought she would be ready for it. I tell her that I'm okay with that , but really I'm not and sometimes I have problems hiding it. I'm not sure what to do or how to feel... I don't want to hurt her by cheating, but sometimes I get urges. help please?

Dear My Girlfriend Is Not Ready For Sex, But I Am - How Do I Handle That?,

TeenHealthFX is going to start off with a quote by Robert Heinlein: “Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” If you say you really love and care about your girlfriend, then understanding and respecting her need to wait to have sex should supersede your own physical urges. Relationships are about a lot more than just physical intimacy and relationships require compromises and self-sacrificing at times because the fact is that when you are in a healthy relationship is can’t be just about you. So if you are finding that you are frustrated with her need to wait and that you are pressuring her about this and getting irritated with her, then FX thinks you should consider how much you truly love her and are ready to be in a committed relationship with her at this time.

FX appreciates that adolescence is a time of hormonal changes and that it can be a time of increased awareness of sexual urges an impulses. However, FX does believe that people (teens and adults included) have it in them to be able to control their emotions and impulses. When you say that you are a “teenage boy” and “have needs,” it sounds as if you have no power or control over these feelings and desires. FX does not think that you are simply at the whim of these sexual desires. You have the ability to control these feelings and urges – and if you really feel you cannot control them, then FX thinks it is important to speak to a trusted adult about that.   

FX also wonders if you are feeling pressured by your peers to be sexually active. Sometimes teens get the message from friends that “everybody is doing it” or that if you are in a committed relationship with someone you should be having sex. If you are feeling pressure from any of your peers, FX wants you to remember that everyone is not doing it and that you need to focus on what is right for you and your girlfriend, not what others think the two of you should be doing.

If you feel you are going to be unable to accept and respect your girlfriend’s decision to wait, then FX thinks you need to talk to her about this and consider ending the relationship. And if you do not think you are going to be able to stay faithful to her, then FX definitely thinks you need to end the relationship. If your girlfriend is able to stay monogamous in a relationship where there is no sex, but you are not, then it doesn’t sound like the two of you are a good fit right now.

If you find you continue to feel confused or conflicted about how to deal with this situation, FX strongly recommends that you talk to a trusted adult such as a parent, school counselor, or your doctor. If you don't have a doctor and live in northern New Jersey, you can call the Adolescent/Young Adult Center for Health at 973-971-5199 for an appointment with an adolescent medicine specialist or contact your local teen health center or Planned Parenthood. You can also contact your insurance company for a list of in-network providers.

FX also recommends that you make sure you are educated about protecting you and your partner from unwanted pregnancies and the transmission of STDs at whatever time you do become sexually active. You can find information about this, as well as information on sexual readiness and more, in the links presented in our Resource of the Month: Planned Parenthood Resources on Safer Sex.

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