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Dealing With Being Bisexual - With Friend And My Mom

Published: May 29, 2013
Dear Dealing With Being Bisexual - With Friend And My Mom,

I like one of my friends at school, My question isn't exactly about how to tell her this, because I think she may already know, and even if she doesn't, she probably wouldn't mind. She's told me before, that if she didn't hve a boyfriend, she would date me, but here's the problem... Well, #1, I'm a girl, so... I'm having some sexuality confusion and #2, I think she likes my older brother more than me... She's always talking about him, and flirting with him, and when she comes over to my house all she does is hangout with him and ignore me... I just want to know how to deal with that. Also, I'm not really sure if I want to tell my mom about these feelings. She has asked me before if I'm a lesbian, (I think I'm bi-sexual) but I always tell her that I'm not a lesbian, and she always responds by telling me that if I was, it would be okay with her. Then again, I still worry about talking with her about this subject because she makes rude remarks about gay, lesbian, and bi-sexual people... So, maybe you can help me out?


Dear Dealing With Being Bisexual - With Friend And My Mom,

It sounds like there are three issues going on here for you. The first is your own “sexuality confusion” as you called it. The second is dealing with your feelings for your friend and her flirtatious behavior with your brother. And the third is dealing with telling your mother about your sexual orientation. So we’ll tackle one at a time.

Many teens and adults who are gay or bisexual have a variety of feelings about their sexual orientation, as well as confusion or conflicts about whether or not to disclose their sexual orientation to family members or friends. TeenHealthFX thinks that it is important for anyone who is struggling with any issues connected to being gay or bisexual to have someone to talk to about it. Whether a parent, a school counselor, a private therapist, an LGBT group at school, or anyone else who is a caring, trustworthy person – it is essential to have someone there for guidance and support as you sort through what can sometimes be difficult or confusing feelings and situations. That said, if you don’t feel like you have anyone to talk to about this, FX recommends you reach out to someone who can be there for you.

As for your friend, if it upsets you for her to be flirting with your brother, then FX thinks you should talk to her about this. It sounds like she either knows you have feelings for her (or would be okay about it if she didn’t already know and you were to tell her). You could let her know that given your feelings for her, you would appreciate it is she could tone down the flirtatious behavior with your brother. If she is truly a caring friend, she will respect what you have to say and respond by keeping her behavior with him more in check.

Regarding your mother, it sounds like she has an idea about your sexual orientation given her question to you about being a lesbian and comment that she would be okay with it. But it is possible that you are reluctant to tell her the truth if you have heard her make rude remarks about gay and bisexual people. These rude remarks could easily leave you feeling like she would not be accepting and non-judgmental regarding your sexual orientation. FX suggests that you that you have a conversation with your mother about this. You could say something like, “Mom, you have said you would be okay if I wasn’t straight, but there are many times I have heard you say unkind things about gay and bisexual people. So while you tell me you’d be accepting of it I can’t help but wonder if deep down you wouldn’t be feeling upset or judgmental given some comments I’ve heard you make.”

TeenHealthFX can appreciate that these issues can all be difficult ones to deal with. But we think they are even harder to manage when you try to do it all alone. So make sure that you have your supports and people you can talk to and lean on as you figure out how you want to handle these situations.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

You might also find the following organizations helpful:

  • The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Community Center is the largest multi-service organization on the East Coast and the second largest LGBT community center in the world. They work to provide various types of services and education related to important LGBT issues. They also offer YES (Youth Enrichment Services), a program to help end isolation for many LGBT youths. FX thinks it would be helpful for you to check out their website. If you do not live in the New York City area to get directly involved with The Center, contact them and tell them where you live so that they can give you recommendations about possible resources in your area.
  • Centerlink (formerly known as The National Association of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Community Centers) serves over 165 LGBT community centers across the country. These communities serve over 1.5 million people with direct services, educational efforts, and working towards social change.
  • The primary objective of Campus Pride is to develop necessary resources, programs, and services to support LGBT and ally students on college campuses across the United States.
  • Born This Way Foundation

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