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Boyfriend's Mom Is Threatening To Tell My Mom We're Sexually Active

Published: May 14, 2014
Dear Boyfriend's Mom Is Threatening To Tell My Mom We're Sexually Active,

My boyfriend's mom found out we're sexually active while snooping through his phone. She is not exactly thrilled about it. She leaves every Friday and Saturday night to go get drunk and party while we watch her 3 young kids. We wait til they go to bed. I don't want to get off topic, but she is not the greatest parent. I'm going to leave it at that. Anyways, she found out and her biggest concerns are obviously safety and the fact that we're 17 and I could press statutory rape charges, which isn't going to happen. We've been together almost a year and we love each other a lot. As for safety, I got Mirena earlier this year because my periods were really bad. I was on oral birth control for two years prior but it didn't help. We've always been safe and used condoms as well. My boyfriend told his mom we use condoms but didn't tell her about Mirena because he thought that would make her freak out more. I feel like I'm not getting to my point but bare with me. The main thing is his mom is now threatening to tell my mom, and even if she doesn't it'll come out at some point. Knowing her though she will over exaggerate it to the max. I guess if my mom's going to find out I want it to be from me. How do I go about even having that conversation or starting it? My mom and I have a pretty good relationship but I don't want to mess things up with my boyfriend, though his mom is also threatening to make us break up. I just don't know what to do. I'm really scared. Thank you for your one and advice. I hope this makes sense.


Dear Boyfriend's Mom Is Threatening To Tell My Mom We're Sexually Active,

TeenHealthFX absolutely agrees that if there is a possibility of your mother finding out about this, for the sake of your relationship with your mom it is much better for the truth to come from you. Not only are you demonstrating honesty and openness by coming to her with the truth, yourself, you are also showing her a sense of maturity and responsibility by starting this discussion with her. This is not only positive for your relationship with your mother, but it will also be helpful for your mother to view you as honest, mature and responsible as she takes in this new information.

As for how to go about it, FX recommends you tell your mom that you would like to find a time where the two of you can discuss something in private and without interruption. You can say something like, “Mom, I wanted to discuss something with you. I’m not sure how you are going to feel or react, so I’d really appreciate it if you could listen to everything I have to say before you respond. My boyfriend and I are currently having sex. It was something we were keeping private between ourselves, but his mother recently found out. And rather than you hear it from her or some other way, I wanted to make sure the first person you heard it from was me.” You could then go on to explain the ways in which you and your boyfriend are taking precautions to protect yourselves against unwanted pregnancies and the transmission of STDs. You could also let your mother know how you feel about your boyfriend and your relationship with him in terms of why you chose to become sexually active with him. After you finish speaking you can say something like, “I know this is a lot to take in and I can understand if you need some time to digest all of it. But I really hope that you can find a way to be understanding about this because our relationship is very important to me and I wouldn’t want something like this to come between us.” You can also ask your mother if she has any questions or concerns. If your mother starts to get anxious or agitated in any way, it is very important that you try and remain calm. You can say things like, “Mom, I know this is a big thing to hear and there must be so much going through your mind right now. But I really need you to try and be as patient and calm as possible while we talk about this.”

It is quite possible that there will be some anxiety for you and your mother as you talk about this subject. So try and stay as calm and patient as possible, and encourage your mother to do the same. If you are worried you might forget important points you want to convey to her, you could always write up a list of things you’d like to tell her as a reminder to yourself.

If you have any questions about safer sex, or any other aspect about being sexually active, you can speak to the doctor prescribing your birth control.  If you don't have a doctor and live in northern New Jersey, you can call the Adolescent/Young Adult Center for Health at 973-971-5199 for an appointment with an adolescent medicine specialist or contact your local teen health center or Planned Parenthood. You can also contact your insurance company for a list of in-network providers.

For more information you can read Planned Parenthood’s article Talking With Your Parents About Sex, as well as the TeensHealth article Talking to Your Parents – or other Adults. You can also give the following links to your mother: Parents & Teachers: Tips & Advice for Talking to Teens About Sex, as well as About Birth Control: What Parents Need to Know.

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