Boyfriend Has Threatened To Kill Me

Published: May 14, 2012
Dear Boyfriend Has Threatened To Kill Me,

MY BOYFRIEND WANTS TO KILL ME: Hi, im in a pretty complicated situation. ive been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years about 3 of those years hes been incarcerrated in newyork i live in baltimore now but i met him in newyork when i use to live there. the first some months of our relationship was fine then he got alittle abusive before he was locked up but it was not that bad because it had just started. i decided to stay with him thinking things would get better not really having experienced nothing really hardcore from the relationship before him going away i just knew he had made me fall in love with him so i decided to wait for him to be released and he will be coming out this year in June. the abuse has gotten worse over the time hes been in jail very verbally and emotionally abusive and threatens alot and when i realized i wanted to leave the relationship it was already to late and thats when the threats REALLY started. he told me if i ever tried to leave him before or after he gets out he would kill me. i believe him because of his abusive history not only with me but his ex girlfriends from years ago that i have spoken to since hes been locked up because he has children by these women. He is 36 years old and iam 24 i have 3 children of my own that are not his. so far i know that hes been abusive since he was 19 years old because his childs mother told me this from when they were together when she was 16 and he was 19 and last year i found out the real reason why he is locked up from a crime he committed in "2005" he got 7 years for the assault charge and went back to finish up the remainder of the time. he had almost killed his other childs mother in 2005, he called it self defense but according to her it was not he beat her unconcious while her kids were in the home left her bloody and with broken bones so she had to get metal plates in her face. now that he is with me he tells me that he wants to marry me and never leave me and if i do my beating will be worse then hers. hes knows my address and my grandmothers address where most of my family lives hes even threaten to hurt them or stalk the homes of them looking for me if i decided to move just to get away from him. he told me that a protective/restraining order is a personal invite for him because he does not care about the law or going back to jail if i leave him and if i move he said he will search for me until he finds me. i even asked my therapist what should i do and she does not even know what to tell me. i feel really trapped. i have my own apartment at the moment but i have no money or resources to move. he tells me that if i just stay with him and be good to him and the girl he wants me to be everything will be fine between us we could be a happy family when he gets home and he would never hurt or abuse me unless i leave him or cheat on him. since i feel trapped i decided to stay with him and try to keep him happy so that he wont hurt me. even though we live in 2 different states he says thats not stopping him from continuing his relationship with me and he'll never let me go and his goal is to move in with me but im hoping he wont be able to. im just scared and nervous and definitly scared to run or press charges or get a restraining order. Does anyone have any advice hes coming home in 57 days.


Dear Boyfriend Has Threatened To Kill Me,

TeenHealthFX truly appreciates how scared you must be right now. We can understand that you feel trapped between not wanting to be with this violent and abusive person and not wanting to leave and risk what may happen. However, if he truly has violent and abusive tendencies there is nothing you can do to ensure he won’t hurt you in the future. His feelings and behaviors are out of your control. If he is violent and angry there is no way another person can keep him happy – sooner or later he will need an outlet for his rage. By staying with him you put yourself and your three children at risk because eventually he will find some reason, any reason, to be hurtful.

FX suggests the following:

  • Contact the Baltimore Police and get a restraining order so that he can be arrested if he bothers you in any way. If he is on parole, his parole officer can violate him back to jail to finish his sentence.
  • Contact your family members and let them know the threats he has made so they can contact their local police as well.
  • Notify anyone who cares for your children about the situation (daycare, sitters, and school staff members) so they can take extra precautions to ensure your children’s safety as well.
  • Contact the Family Crisis Center of Baltimore County, Inc. at 1-410-285-4357. They offer a 24 hour, 7 day a week emergency safe shelter, transitional housing, victim advocacy services, free legal services to victims, new behavior groups, and a crisis hotline (410-828-6390). Domestic violence may not be your therapist’s area of expertise, so it is helpful for you to connect with an agency that specifically deals with the kinds of issues you are dealing with so you can get the support and guidance that you need.
  • You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) to get directed to local resources. Keep in mind to use a safe computer and safe phone when looking up websites and making calls if you activities are being monitored by your abuser.

FX understands how difficult of a situation you are in. Your best bet is to take some action now and do what you can to set up some plans while he is still in jail. We wish you and your children the best of luck with this.  

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