My Depression is Getting Too Much For Me to Handle
Okay so I began feeling depressed my freshmen year of high school and it was't that bad but I did begin cutting but with blunt knives and i really wouldn't bleed or anything so idk if it counts as cutting. My sophomore year it get way worse after I lost my virginity and I ended up attempting suicide twice and I wasn't in a hospital for a week. After that I was pretty good for a year not much depression at all. Last April I began to smoke weed and I did it for fun and I really enjoyed it and over the summer I would smoke almost every morning and I never had any problems with it. In September this being my senior year I began getting depressed again and worse then ever and I began cutting every day and even smoking didnt really make it go away and I've been on and off like that since I'll have a week of being okay and then a week or two of being so depressed I concider attempting again. I try getting help but my dad took me off anti depressants and won't but me back on and doesn't believe my depression is serious enough since I have good days. Lately though smokin weed has made everything worse. My heart begins pounding super fast and sometimes I feel faint or like I'll get pain in my arm or chest and neck and I can feel blood rushing in my head and through my veins. I also a few times thereâs been like a muscle spasm or something my my neck on one side and it would get puffy and it really scared me I thought I was dying although I know no one does from weed. While this is going on Iâm super anxious and paranoid about dying anyways like god or someone is punishing me for being a bad person and since I can't really enjoy being high anymore it in turn makes me face my depression. What should I do about that is there any way I could smoke without this happening to me? I've never had this problem with weed except for this last month. And my depression is getting too much for me to handle and Iâm starting to get bad anxiety that I've never had before. I'm scared.
TeenHealthFX is very sorry to hear how much you have been struggling with this and how scared you are. It sounds like you are not getting the proper treatment or a sufficient amount of support right now with what you are dealing with, and that can be an extremely difficult situation for anyone.
FX thinks that the most important thing right now is for you to be in treatment with a reputable mental health professional, such as a clinical social worker or clinical psychologist. There are some complicated issues that need to be addressed including your depressed mood, the self-cutting, and the marijuana use. Some things to be aware of with these issues include:
- Mood disorders, including depression, can get worse when left untreated. So it is important to get the help you need as soon as possible.
- Self-cutting often occurs when people are not feeling heard and do not know of healthier ways to cope with various feelings. A therapist’s office can be a safe space where you can voice various thoughts and feelings. A therapist can also help you learn healthier coping mechanisms when you are faced with difficult situations or experiencing negative emotions.
- While some people may find immediate relief emotionally when they smoke pot if they are angry, anxious or depressed, this coping mechanism will never improve anything in the long-run. For one thing, this strategy is a form of escaping so the problem at hand never gets dealt with or resolved. Secondly, marijuana can negatively impact mood and various behaviors in the short-term and the long-term and can even get in the way of the effectiveness of psychotropic medications. So while a person might experience immediate relief, overall mood and functioning will worsen over time when marijuana is used frequently as a coping mechanism. That said, it is very important to work with a therapist on alternate ways to deal with difficult situations and negative emotions other than using marijuana.
In addition to a therapist helping you with the issues above, it would also be beneficial for a therapist to speak to your father about what you are dealing with so he has a better understanding of the mental health issues you are dealing with and available effective treatment methods. For example, people who live with depression may certainly have some good days here and there – but that doesn’t mean they are not depressed and do not require any treatment. It would also be helpful for your father to learn ways in which he can be emotionally supportive of you and what you are going through.
FX appreciates that this might not be easy, but we recommend that you start by having a conversation with your father about what you have been experiencing and what you need right now (namely a consultation with a mental health professional). You could even show him this question you submitted to TeenHealthFX to get a discussion going. If a conversation with your father about this proves to be unproductive, or you are simply too worried about how it might go to even attempt it, then you need to speak to a trusted adult who can intervene on your behalf. You could speak to a school counselor, your principal, your school nurse, a teacher, your family doctor or any other adult who would be able to advocate for your getting the help you need.
FX can appreciate that you are feeling scared and sad right now, but we want you to try and have hope because there are people out there who will want to give you the support and guidance you need to deal with all of this and there are effective treatment methods that can help alleviate the symptoms you have been dealing with. But it is important to get the help you need and not to deal with this all alone, so please reach out for help as soon as possible.
If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.
If you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern New Jersey you can also call the crisis hotline from Morristown Medical Center at 973-540-0100. Outside this area call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, available toll-free 24/7. You can also use the Crisis Text Line by texting “connect” to 741741 to connect with a trained crisis counselor. This service is free and available nationwide 24/7.