I Feel Completely Alone In This World
So im a 15 y.o. girl and i've had depression and anxiety ever since i can remember. I was never really happy, only scared and disappointed, when i was 7 and went to school i was so scared my parents had to drag me there and sit with me in front of the classroom for at least 15 minutes while i cried until they left me. Now I don't really care about anything, i have no reason to get up in the morning and just cant wait to get home and go to sleep. School is pointless, people always told me i'm highly intelligent but i just can't get myself to study. Teachers think badly of me because i'm not active (because of my anxiety). I would just like to disappear from this world that's turning into ashes. My peers only care about school and fake beauty and pointless things, my parents only care about money and my grades, no one knows how i'm feeling because i literally can't trust anyone with my feelings. Whenever somone talks to me i feel like crying. Everyone is so shallow and dumb. When i walk across the street i wish a car would hit me and sometimes i wake up just wanting to jump through the window. I feel stupid and worthless all the time. I don't know what to do, I know a therapist won't help me, and i can't tell anything to anyone, especially not my family. We never talk about emotions. I have siblings who are more successful than me and i feel like my mom loves me less and i'm a failure. I wish i was never born. The only thing that feels good is when i'm alone in peace and quiet. I feel completely alone in this world that is slowly turning me from a chubby little girl so full of fear and emotions into a pathetic bag of bones.
TeenHealthFX is very sorry to hear how hard things have been for you – both now and in past years. In addition to the symptoms of anxiety and depression you are dealing with, it also sounds like you are dealing with some attachment issues. Very often children who have a hard time separating from their parents on an ongoing basis (like what you described when you were 7 years old) have not established the healthy sense of dependency and attachment that would allow them to separate from their parents without feeling so terrified. This healthy dependency and attachment comes from being loved and nurtured in a healthy way, and from feeling like your parents care about you and will be there for you when you need them. Unfortunately, it does not sound like you received those things from you parents. The result, which is common for many children and adults who are dealing with untreated attachment issues, is that you don’t have a very positive view of others in terms of their abilities to be caring and, therefore, keep mainly to yourself.
FX can imagine that you would either be scared of meeting with a mental health professional because of the vulnerable position it would put you in to reveal personal things about yourself. We can also appreciate that you may see it as a waste of time because your view might be that nobody really cares or has the ability or interest to help you. However, FX would like to stress that these thoughts and feelings are a normal result of the attachment issues you are dealing with and that it is very important you seek out professional help given the issues at hand.
FX recommends you meet with a reputable mental health professional, such as a clinical psychologist or clinical social worker who has experience in working with adolescents and working with people who are dealing with attachment disorders. It is important that you experience your therapist as warm and non-judgmental – and to know that if you do not feel comfortable with the first person you meet with, it is fine to try someone new. It is important to know that you will have trouble trusting your therapist and allowing yourself to form a close working relationship with that person because of the attachment issues. Please know this is normal and to be expected, and dealing with this in your work will become an important part of the process of addressing these issues.
As part of treatment, you and your therapist can also discuss whether your anxiety and depression warrants a consultation with a psychiatrist who can assess whether or not you would benefit from taking psychotropic medications. Hopefully your therapist will also recommend that you and your parents participate in family therapy sessions, or that your parents attend their own parenting sessions, so that they can begin to deal with their part in the relationship problems that exist between the three of you.
FX can understand that you may have a great deal of anger and pain about what you have gone through, and that it may feel like a hopeless situation at times. But we want to let you know that there are many people who have dealt with these types of issues in therapy in order to get to a place of greater peace, happiness, and to be able to form positive connections with others. So, despite your ambivalence about this, we strongly encourage you to reach out for help as soon as possible. And if you do not think your parents will help you find a reputable therapist, then ask your family doctor or school social worker for assistance in finding someone and advocating on your behalf with your parents for what you need.
If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.
If you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern New Jersey you can also call the crisis hotline from Morristown Memorial hospital at 973-540-0100. Outside this area call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433), available 24 hours a day, or the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week.