Why do I have so many homicidal thoughts? I am a 13 year old girl. They happen all throughout the day, but mostly at night. But really just whenever I have time to think which is all the time. But when it happens at night I feel so terrible that I cut myself. I figure cutting on my legs would be easier to hide, and every time I do it, I tell myself it'll be the last time, but I can't stop myself sometimes. I haven't told anyone, except for one close friend. I have never been to therapy, and I have tried to tell my mother twice by steering conversations towards it, but it never works out how I want it. My older brother is schizophrenic, and I don't think she wants to be put through anymore stress like she was with him. I feel bad that that's all I can think about, but sometimes I don't feel bad at all and the thoughts make me feel something that I can't describe. I don't know why but I really want to hurt people, so much that my pulse raises and my hands shake. I don't know how this started. I've even thought about how to get away with it, which I know is probably worse. I've never been through any kind of trauma before. The worst thing that's ever happened to me was my parent's divorce when I was around 8, and even then I felt indifferent. I always feel like I'm being monitored, and I've even changed what I was thinking because I thought that someone somewhere could read my mind. I can hear myself screaming and laughing in my head and wherever I go I feel like there's a knot in my chest or stomach. I know this is long but I thought the more info the better. Any advice or a guess about what's the matter with me is appreciated. Thanks.
TeenHealthFX is very happy that you reached out to us about this. The types of issues you are dealing with can be very hard to manage – but they are even harder when trying to deal with them all on your own. Due to the complexity of the issues you have described, FX suggests seeking help immediately.
FX recommends reaching out to your parents, so they can help set up a consultation for you with a mental health professional, to address the various issues you are dealing with. If you have any concerns about bringing this directly to your parents, you could always ask your school counselor or school nurse to intervene on your behalf to ensure you get the help you need.
If you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In Northern New Jersey you can also call the crisis hotline from Morristown Medical Center at 973-540-0100. Outside this area call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, available toll-free 24/7. You can also use the Crisis Text Line by texting “connect” to 741741 to connect with a trained crisis counselor. This service is free and available nationwide 24/7.