Slept With Ex - Should I Tell Boyfriend?

Published: May 14, 2012
Dear TeenHealthFX,
Hey.. I can't believe this happened!! I'm 17 and had my first boyfriend when I was 13.. We dated for about 7 months.. He was awesome :) The reason we broke up was because I was moving to Texas and didn't want to me in a long distance relationship. We lost contact after I lived in Texas for about a month and haven't talked in about 4 years. To try and take some length off of this story, my dad had to go on a business trip back to wear we moved from. (Minnesota) and I begged him to bring me. I met up with my old friends and they told me there was a party that weekend.. guess who was there! I almost didn't recognize him.. This is where bad things start happening. It was about 11 pm and I invited him back to my hotel room, (my dad wasn't going to be back that until later the next day due to bad weather..) and you can kinda put together what happened next.. That was about a month ago and the guilt is KILLING me. I had a boyfriend of a little over a year at the time it happened and I feel horrible about cheating on him. My question is should I tell him? I'm hoping that as time passes I'll get over it. But me and my current boyfriends relationship is built on honesty.. (according to him.) I'm so lost.. what should I do?
Signed: Slept With Ex - Should I Tell Boyfriend?

Dear Slept With Ex - Should I Tell Boyfriend?,

 

TeenHealthFX checked in with our Teen Advisory Committee on this one for some feedback about your situation. In discussing the predicament you are in, the fact is that we came up with reasons why it might be a good idea to come clean with your boyfriend, as well as reasons that it might be best not to mention it to him. We have listed below some of the considerations in telling your boyfriend about sleeping with you ex, as well as in not telling him. What we think you need to do is weigh out these considerations in terms of what feels right and best for you and the relationship, and decide what to do based on that. There is no right or wrong answer here, and there is no one answer that will just make it all better – the best you can do is weigh the pros and cons of telling your boyfriend about what happened in terms of what is best for you, him, and your relationship with one another.

Reasons it might be best to tell him:

·         It might be better for him to find out what happened from you rather than risk that the information could get to him some other way.

·         If you are feeling so guilty about it, the guilt may eat away at you, negatively affecting you and the relationship over time.

·         If you feel your relationship is based on honesty, and you see this as something important to you and your boyfriend, then coming clean might be the way to go.

·         If you feel that what happened with your is any kind of reflection that you are not feeling truly happy or fully committed in your current relationship, then it would be a good idea to discuss where you are at with your boyfriend.

·         If you see your boyfriend as someone who can handle this information and work with you through it.  

Reason it might be best not to tell him:

·         If you feel clear that you want to continue in a relationship with your boyfriend, and are certain that you do not want to cheat on him again, is coming clean potentially ruining a good thing you have going, as well as causing your boyfriend pain just so you can ease your own guilt? This reason isn’t meant as a “get out jail free” card for you – but is being put out there more as a real consideration of your boyfriend and how this affect him.

 

As you decide what you want to do with your boyfriend, FX does recommend the following:

·         If you slept with your ex, talk to your doctor about whether it would make sense for you to get tested for any STDs. If you are sexually active with your current boyfriend, you certainly don’t want to risk passing anything onto him. Even if you are not sexually active with anyone else at this time, it would be important to prevent possibly passing something onto someone else in the future, as well as to make sure you have not contracted any STDs that require medical attention. If you don't have a doctor and live in northern New Jersey, you can call the Adolescent/Young Adult Center for Health at 973-971-6475 for an appointment with an adolescent medicine specialist or contact your local teen health center or Planned Parenthood. You can also contact your insurance company for a list of in-network providers.

·         Consider your relationship with your current boyfriend. Is this a relationship you want to continue with, or does the fact that you pursued this evening with your ex indicate that maybe you are not feeling totally content and happy in your current relationship? Honesty in a relationship is a great thing, but it’s also important to be honest with yourself so you can be fair to yourself and your partner in how you proceed with the relationship. If you feel like what happened between you and your ex is any kind of indication that you are not feeling fully committed or into your current relationship, then be honest with yourself about that so you can be fair to your boyfriend and your relationship with him in where to go from here.

·         Sometimes in situations like these we need to be able to talk out our feelings and thoughts in order to arrive at a decision of what we want to do. Rather than struggle with this alone, perhaps it would be better to talk it through with a trusted adult, such as a parent or a school counselor.

Signed: TeenHealthFX

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