Dealing With Divorce

Dealing with Divorce

Divorce impacts parents and children who are involved in all kinds of ways. And it is normal that the impact will be different depending on the age of the children involved. If you are a teen and your parents have gone through a divorce, or are going through a divorce, here are some things you might experience:

  • Adolescence is time where it is normal for teens to begin to move more towards independence. But sometimes when there is a divorce in the family, teens may feel something like, “Well, they had no problem giving up on the family, so why should I spend time with the family?” This may cause teens to pull away even more and at a faster rate than what is typical during this phase of life. They may have an even stronger preference than the typical teen to be with friends rather than at home.
  • Divorce can create feelings of sadness, anger and stress for parents. It is possible that teens may then feel that their own needs are being neglected by parents who may not have sufficient supports and coping mechanisms for themselves.
  • It is possible for teens to feel like they have to grow up more quickly than some of their peers not dealing with divorce. In addition to having to cope with a major life event, teens may also have more responsibilities in the home and may be more aware of the family financial situation.
  • Teens may also develop concerns about the concept of marriage now that it is apparent it is not always “till death do us part.”
  • It is common for teens to experience conflicts in loyalty towards one or both parents. Often one parent is scapegoated as the cause of the divorce and the teen will align themselves with the other parent.

While any divorce comes with its challenges and adjustments, there are definitely certain situations which can intensity difficulties faced by teens.

So what affects the impact of divorce?

  • The financial situation of the custodial parent (the parent with whom the teens spends more of his/her time) is one of the most critical things in how well a child or teen is able to adjust following a divorce. Significant losses of income can contribute to additional life stresses such as moving to a smaller residence in neighborhoods with increased crime, lower quality schools and loss of familiar community supports. Lower income may also force the custodial parent to work longer hours to cover basic bills and necessities. Financial strain can also contribute to a parent being more depressed, which is often connected to harsher discipline tactics and a lower amount of parental nurturing and support.
  • Gender plays a significant role as well. Boys often show more difficulties coping after a divorce than girls do. Although when girls live with their custodial father or a remarried family, girls often have a harder time while boys do better than those in mother-custody homes. Factors such as sex of the custodial parent, parenting style, marital status, parent-child relationships and the amount of contact with non-custodial parent all play a role as well.
  • How present with their children and connected to their children parents are also affects how well teens adjust after a divorce. Sometimes there can be a lack of effective discipline and a lack of parental support in decision making following a divorce – both of which can have a negative impact on teens.

While there are certainly difficult things to deal with in a divorce, there are absolutely positive changes that can occur as well.

Positive changes can include:

  • Teens whose parents have divorced may show a greater development of maturity and moral growth
  • Teens may come to have a more realistic understanding of finances
  • Teens may experience new family roles and responsibilities
  • If a teen is in a family environment where their physical or emotional well-being is being threatened (for example, if a parent is physically abusive, sexually abusive, neglectful, etc.) it will definitely be helpful for that teen to no longer be in the custody of that parent.
  • If a parent is often depressed, angry or stressed out because of problems in the marriage, this can certainly affect teens. If by leaving an unhappy marriage the parent is able to be calmer and happier, this can have a positive impact on that teen and on that parent-child relationship.
  • The dynamics of a parents’ marriage often impacts their children’s choices of partners later on. If the parent(s) stays in an unhealthy or unhappy marriage, this can provide a poor model for their children and teens. By ending the marriage, a parent can actually act as a healthy role model for their children – particularly if they are able to move towards being in a healthier, happier relationship subsequent to the divorce.

How long will it take to adjust to having divorced parents?

Research has shown that most adjustment problems occur within the first two years following divorce or remarriage. While behavior problems are common at the time of divorce, they typically decrease with time and most children will eventually adapt successfully without having any significant long-term problems.   

What helps?

Divorce comes in all shapes and sizes. Some parents seem to be waging war against one another. Others put their kids in the middle of issues that should just be between them. Others are able to treat one another with respect as they continue to co-parent their kids.

There are definitely things parents can do that will help teens to better adjust to a divorce. These include:

  • When parents foster close, connected relationships between themselves and their children.
  • When parents stay connected to and aware of what their children are doing.
  • When there is joint decision-making between teens and parents regarding household rules and activities.
  • When there are minimal conflicts between parents and their teens.
  • When parents are able to provide their teens with warmth, support, and encouragement. When they are able to set and explain standards, monitor activity and enforce discipline in a healthy way.
  • When the divorced couple is able to co-parent in a way that is cooperative, mutually supportive, and without major conflicts.
  • When both parents are able to stay involved in their children’s lives in a healthy way when it comes to maintaining schedules, keeping visits, communicating effectively and making decisions on behalf of the teen involves.

Do you need help coping with your parents’ divorce?

If you are a teen whose parents have divorced, or who are currently going through a divorce, make sure you reach out for help if you are having difficulties coping with the situation. It is important that you not deal with any feelings of sadness or anger all on your own. If you feel like there are things that your parents are not handling well and that are having a negative impact on you, find a time when you can sit down with them (individually or together) to discuss your concerns. If you are having difficulty resolving issues with them on your own, ask them to schedule a session with a reputable family therapist, such as a clinical social worker or clinical psychologist, who can meet with you together to discuss your concerns. Whether you speak to your parents, extended family members, a counselor at school, or a private therapist, it is important that you have the guidance and support you need to deal with this life transition.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

You can also look into Rainbows, a non-profit, international organization that works to help children and teens who have had to deal with some kind of loss in their lives.

For more information, go to the TeensHealth article Dealing With Divorce.