Should I Tell His Girlfriend He Was Messaging Me and Other Girls?

Published: March 29, 2018
Dear TeenHealthFX,
Do I tell her or do I leave them to it? I was talking to a guy romantically for several months (this started over a year and a half ago now) and he blocked me several times and treated me badly (emotionally). I've recently found out that he had a girlfriend during the time and they are still together now. He technically was cheating in the manner of how he spoke and the things he sent to me. Nothing physical happened as we lived far apart but I had very strong feelings towards him and he said he liked me romantically too. Do I tell the girl that he was messaging me and other girls (like one of my best friends) or do I leave it and let her stay with him even though he's lying to her?
Signed: Should I Tell His Girlfriend He Was Messaging Me and Other Girls?

Dear Should I Tell His Girlfriend He Was Messaging Me and Other Girls?,

TeenHealthFX would like to start by saying that we are very sorry to hear how hurt you were by this experience. You said you had strong feelings for this person, and it sounds like there were times that he seemed to be reciprocating those sentiments to you. However, things did not work out in the end as you probably had hoped, and FX can appreciate that this must have left you feeling hurt and angry.

As for how to move on from here, FX suggests two main things. The first is to give yourself time to deal with the hurt you are feeling. It may take some time for those feelings to diminish, but it will happen in time. While you are getting through the hurt and anger it would be helpful for you to have family and friends around for support, as well as to do things with to provide you with some distraction.

The other important take-away would be to consider what you learned about relationships in terms of moving forward with meeting other people. Are there things he did or said that were signs to you that he has a girlfriend or was not in the same place you were? If so, remember those signs and be on the lookout for them in the future.

Now the tricky part – whether to say something to his girlfriend or not. This is tricky because it really is a question of what your honest and true intentions are. You are hurt and probably angry, too, so FX can understand that you may want to do something that would cause him hurt and angst. And telling his girlfriend about his behavior could do just that. But then the question is what is the purpose? Is this to make you temporarily feel better through hurting him? Because if it is, it is important to realize that this will not help you to feel better and move on in the long run. If it genuinely is for her benefit, how do you know for sure she is someone who would want to know or would benefit from knowing? Do you know how she would react? How he might react in terms of doing something to retaliate against you?

FX wants you to consider that if his energies are going towards other young women besides his girlfriend, then that means less energy for her. If she is really connected to the relationship and to him, she will notice on some level that something feels off. It is up to her, then, to decide if and how she wants to deal with it. This can all take place without you having to say a word to her.

If you continue to struggle with your feelings around this and how to handle this, then FX strongly recommends that you speak with someone about it, such as a parent/guardian, teacher, school counselor, parent of a friend, or any other trusted adult who can give you the support and guidance you need.  

Signed: TeenHealthFX