I Need Advice
TeenHealthFX is sorry to hear about what you are currently going through. We do not want to assume, but it sounds like you may be wondering about missed opportunities since you are graduating high school this year. It is normal to think about the past and imagine what life would be like if things went differently. In addition, it is also common to be nervous about what life will be like after high school.
Perhaps it would be a good idea to reach out to her? Even though you have not talked to her in a long time, you can keep it low key and send her a text to say hi and see how she is doing. By doing so, this can also help clarify your feelings about her and help you decide what your next steps will be.
In addition, talking to someone else can really help put things into perspective and help you understand why you may be feeling the way you do. Since you mention not having a counselor to talk to, it would be a good idea to talk to a trusted friend, another trusted adult, teacher, or school nurse. If you really do not want to discuss your problems with anyone, another option would be to journal and write down your feelings to help you process them. Try to stay positive, things will get better!