No One Will Ever Understand
Am I just being stupid and cynical? I’m not the unluckiest person in the universe so I feel guilty whenever I feel like no one wants to listen. I’m from a family where everyone keeps belittling me. Mother pulls my hair, hits me, etc. and I hate her. My sister is constantly being praised for doing stupid things (she clearly didn't do anything wrooonggg cause she is younnggg). I'm close to snapping at my brother. Father is deadbeat and I know he's always high. The thing is, I can't run away or tell anyone anything is wrong. No one will believe me in all honesty because I should have no problems since I'm only 12 I’m quiet at school because I just can't conjure up the energy to interact. I don't get bullied. Only ignored. I always cry at night because I just want to stop now. I feel a weird combination of apathy to anything, anger to everyone happier than me, guilt for feeling this, self -hatred and loneliness because I know I'll always be alone I don't want to do this anymore. I want to kill myself because I'm alone but that's okay because no one will ever understand. At this point I'm already dead.
It is a complete misconception that because you are 12, you don’t have any problems. George Bernard Shaw once wrote, “Youth is the most precious thing in life; it is too bad it has to be wasted on young folks.” Many adults tend to look back at their youth through the eyes of a grown person. They fail to recognize that at age 12, they did not have the answers or the confidence that they do at their current stage of life. They may have the answers now, but not during their youth. Adolescents without doubt can be a great time in life, but it is also can be a huge struggle because the person is in the process of forming their identity and navigating friendships.
How you feel is very important and should be recognized by those around you. It is not attention seeking, it is about asking for help because you are struggling. It sounds like you might have been keeping all these worries to yourself, because some how you think you don’t matter. When you add, “everyone keeps belittling me,” the combination is destined to result in you having such negative feelings about yourself.
One of the worst things you can do is to think you are alone and that no one understands. It will result in you isolating from others and result in more despair. You may have even told yourself no one will care if you are gone. This simply is not true. Sometimes families get so caught up in their own individual struggles that they don’t see when a family member is truly in pain. Losing you would not be a relief for your family. It would forever darken their lives and they would never be the same.
You feelings are real, and above all, you should not minimize them either. The hardest part for some people is starting the conversation. If you don’t feel your parents are approachable right now, then find an adult you trust and let them know how you have been feeling. Your school most likely has a counselor who you could talk to. Besides supporting you, school counselors are also very good at communicating with parents about what their child is experiencing and that it is does not fall under the category of normal teen behavior and needs to be addressed by a professional.
TeenHealthFX recognizes that you are going through a very difficult time right now. We just want to assure you that with time and help, things can and do get better. It all starts with asking for help.
If you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern New Jersey you can also call the crisis hotline from Atlantic Health at 973-540-0100. Outside this area call the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week.
If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area.